a customer came into my store looking to exchange a pocketbook she had purchased because it wasn't big enough for her things. i watched her look around for a new one and then seemingly out of nowhere, she shouted. she reached into the purse she was planning on returning and pulled out $2,000 cash. she even showed it to me.

"i had forgotten all about this. i had put it in there and into the small inside pocket and was going to leave it there. this is my son's tuition money for god's sake"

she went on and on then, about the goodness of god, that he had made her remember about that money. and normally this type of talk would have me rolling my eyes, but that day it didn't. i was really liking the idea of god helping her out like that. i was liking just the idea of god.

i prayed the other night. really hard and for a while. i don't care if that contradicts everything i've been saying for so long now. it gave me a new peace to hand it over like that- to believe someone really wanted to hear my problems. i've always thought those people were too weak to face their lives. but it felt strong to admit things and close my hands and surrender. it felt, safe.

2003-07-22, 8:28 p.m.
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