yesterday i was wading through seaweed and collecting it as if it were each memory we'd ever shared; having once placed it neatly upon the floor of the sea.

when we first broke up i went there everyday and would stay for unnecessarily long hours, wallowing and drowning in the seaweed. i couldn't live outside that beach and those dunes and the despair. i refused to remove myself from the self emprisonment of self-loathing and guilt.

with time my despair didn't dissolved. it never ceased and hardly left my heart, but one day a solitude and peace overcame me. it violently resurrected me from my death and helped me put down the knife i had been metaphorically holding to my throat.

when you left i thought you took away everything good in my life. i thought i'd be lying in seaweed the rest of my days waiting for you to life guard and rescue me. i don't need it now- the sea, the sand dunes, the salt water tears. i've collected all the loose pages and wires of our lives together and flung them over my shoulder onto the ground. i know now that you were, you completely were the only one, and as that you were magnificent. but these seaweed memories that are stuck to the sole of my shoes are all that we have left, and now i intentionally step down on them as i walk.

2001-11-18, 10:59 p.m.
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