i cried all over my boyfriend's shoulder outside steve's house at his 21st birthday party. i hadn't meant to. in fact, i try to cry as little as possible. but a friend had made a comment about me not being fun anymore, since my boyfriend. the inappropriateness of the way she said it tumbled with the fact that her statement clearly identified that she had no idea whatsoever about what i needed made me need to throw up. back 6 years i can remember the therapy room and my therapist, tom- that great gay man, saying that someday i would find reason to stop. stop needing people's hands all over me, stop needing unnecessary, even unwanted, attention and stop needing to exploit myself at all times. i don't think another person can change things about you, but i do believe that people can come into your life and hold up a mirror. before i met my boyfriend i was on a rampage of sex and lunacy and every night i would write in my journal that i needed to stop. that i had to slow down. and maybe i'm not so good about communicating to people what's going on with me, in fact i know i'm not, but i assume everyone understood this is what i needed. it hurt me too to think that a friend of mine would believe that i would ever let a man change my behavior. this has never been the case and would never be the case. my dad is sick and is probably going to die soon. i don't talk about that a lot but i feel it in my body all day long. i should buy stock in pepto bismol. reflecting back i think the beginning of this year was avoidance of my father's situation. i tried to be out of the house and out of my clothes as often as possible. sex like that numbs you better than any drug. you don't even really need to breathe during it. i guess what i'm trying to do now is find peace with everything around me. and mostly within myself. i'm so sick of always finding some way to run.

2003-07-07, 10:38 a.m.
design by bluechicken

previous����next