this is a special entry and one i particularly excited about writing. it is a response. you won't know what was said to cause this reply but none the less know that these words are directed at someone in my life:

we all think back on certain people and wonder how often they think of us or how hard they loved us or maybe even if they ever did. and now that i know you wonder that about me, do i think of you, the answer is yes. and to answer something else you never ask, do i love you, yes. and you're right in saying that everything should have washed away with the water. maybe it should have been one of those relationships that just dies into nothingness by itself without anyone looking back. but it won't. and we kissed. and you write about me. and i see you in bars and get nervous. and everything always seems so hard when spoken

yet.

at night when i think of you everything's easy and unafraid and sometimes it shotguns back the 7 years to when we were two girls discovering other girl but sometimes its right now. you're ashamed that you still care and i'm ashamed i can never make it right. i'm fighting with so much alone that fighting for what we had or could have been seems wrong. maybe the answer is not to cling to christmas time gifts and polkadotted dresses. maybe we're just right here. and maybe that's ok.

2002-09-01, 1:37 a.m.
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