fuck this. fuck you. fuck the way he left me standing next to a tree in 30 degree weather waiting for a ride or someone to save my life. fuck her for acting as if we hadn't spent years together making a life and making sounds that should have lasted forever. fuck the girls in the mall who look at my hair and roll their eyes. fuck my friend for only calling me when he thinks he should and then acting as though he's talked to me in the past year. fuck my oldest brother for not knowing anything about my life and even obliviously asking me what church i belonged to. fuck the guy i've been dating for two years for letting go of me before i'm ready to be let go of. fuck my friends from college for going on with their lives and never even calling to ask me if i'm ok. fuck everyone for never even acknowledging how hard it is for me to live with the illness i have. fuck my old therapist for never calling to see if i'm still alive. fuck my family for moping around the house and ignoring me. fuck my mother for asking my to pick up my brother's car from the mechanic when i was in bed, home from work with the flu. fuck anyone who thinks because i'm a size 16 i shouldn't be taking my clothes off. fuck you if you once read this diary and loved it and now don't. fuck her for being my best friend and my "twin" and then turning into a fucking psycho and falling off the face of the earth. fuck my grandmother for dying right when i needed her. fuck my grandfather for dying right in front of my face. fuck the nights when i'm alone and i want to overdose on death and there's no one to call because everyones asleep or wouldn't know what to do with me anyway. fuck the opinions of everyone about my hair and my tattoos and my fucking body fat. fuck you for reading this and assuming i'm the angry one. that i'm the one who should calm down. "if everyone were screaming, i could relax" and i could. but i can't. so fuck the system and the way we all live our fucking pretentious privileged lives and get our fucking nails done and eat at our fucking restaurants when people are fucking dying and living in nothingness. and the day is coming where i am going to get up and go and leave you and him and her and everyone and make a better life for me and those little fucking kids who need it. who need me. because i think if i go one more day without feeling like someone needs me around and really wants me to touch them or hold them or make them smile then i will just shrivel up and i will die.

2002-06-12, 11:16 p.m.
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