in the middle of the night, as i was worrying about how many cigarettes were left in my pack, i thought about you. which is what i do. and how you promised to tuck me in. and how i think i'd like that very much. and there's a lot about you i like very much. since the last hurt, i'm not that girl who blows kisses and needs to love hard. i'm tired and sick of it and don't really like people to talk to me that much. but you're stirring up something in me that feels new and virginal. like i want to take a bat to my past and everything he said and replace it with what you're saying. because you make me feel nice. really really nice. like summertime and lemonade and dancing carelessly. and maybe its the distance and impossibility of this relationship that's let me take my wall down. it has forever been a battle for me to trust men. or to love men and then accept that they don't love me back. but with you i don't feel afraid of anything that i feel because it feels safe and wonderful like kisses on the forehead. you make me want to make you feel safe. you make me want to make everything good and have a meaning and a significant worth. you make me want to kiss and kiss and kiss you until both of us are parched and chapped and sore. not much of anything ever makes any kind of sense for me when someone else is involved. but you make my mind stop and take breaths. tours and equations and diners and things move so fast in my brain and i'm holding on to everything with both of my hands but it falls apart. as does everything. and the moments when you think all is bad and worse it is, but then there's you. and then all is not. and i don't know anyone who would save me from myself the way you do each idle tuesday or monday a.m. i want to bake you cookies full of gratitude for the person you are and for how you always have made me feel about myself- which is really intensely good and i want to know you forever just because of that. because you make even the passing thought of you delicious, which is what i imagine your kisses to be. and your arms to feel. and your skin to taste. and your chest to lay my tired mind upon as you hold my head and sigh.

2002-06-04, 10:06 p.m.
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