4 girls I was friends with in high school (who are my age) are mothers or mothers-to-be. I know 20 and 21 is actually a somewhat common age for people to have babies but it just seems so crazy to me. I don't consider myself old enough to take care of myself, let alone another human life. Also, 2 of my close girl friends are engaged to be married; diamond rings and all. The last relationship I was in I broke up with him because I thought he loved and needed me too much. In most cases, I don't like feeling needed. I don't like feeling responsible for other people's happiness; which is ironic since in most all my relationships with people I need them so much I fall into suicidal despair if they abandon or disappoint me (real or imagined).

When I think ahead to my future I can't really see myself getting married. I've thought a lot about it and I don't think I'll ever meet someone who I can tolerate or enjoy for the rest of my life. I have a lot of different views on marriage. Sometimes I think it's cool. Sometimes I think it's pathetic. Sometimes I think divorce would be cool. Sometimes divorce terrifies me.

Most of all though I want to be a mother. Not really a mother mother, just a guardian I guess. I have talked in length to people about Little Asian Boy. I plan to adopt a little asian boy (age 5 or so) when I'm in my early 30's and name him Little Asian Boy. But I won't be his mother, we'll just hang out and I'll buy him things. Thinking about Little Asian Boy makes me happier than thinking about most other things. I think I would like it if he needed me.

2001-05-12, 10:17 p.m.
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