an email i wrote to jenny:

i was in therapy for roughly 9 years for my very severe ocd. at one point i was seeing a shrink 4 times a week and was even hospitalized twice for it- so my mental health is definitely something i nurture and take care of when my mind starts to fall off its track. i stopped going to therapy around the time james and i got serious because he was the first person in my life i felt i could tell anything to (and still do- in fact he constantly says to me "you're not supposed to say that to your husbadnd. tell those things to your girlfriends") and therapy started to feel like a waste of time. and because i was in therapy so long and know the drill i feel like i've graduated from having to go. but what's different this time is that james and i are both grieving and in crisis- as opposed to the norm where i'm having an emotional meltdown over a dirty kitchen floor or something and he's calming me down-and he hasn't been able to serve as my emotional rock lately. i also don't think it's fair for me to continually dump my emotional garbage on him. he is a very sensitive man and wounds easily. as it is he's so good to me and supportive of anything i'm upset about, however unreasonable, that i think its time i seek professional understanding.

my mother suggested going to a grief group meeting or something for mothers who have had miscarriages and i think that's probably closest to what i'd like to go to. i don't want to sit in another shrinks office talking about my dad and all the problems of my childhood like it always turns into. i always wind up being smarter than any of my shrinks (man i went through a lot of them) and i get bored by their textbook application of pyschoanalysis and wind up making things up or throwing curveballs at them just to see how they'll react. i'm pretty sure that's the antithesis of what one on one therapy is meant for. quite frankly, i can sit here and talk about going to therapy all day but the very truth is that the one thing that will really "fix" everything is to become pregnant again with a healthy baby without complications. this much i know to be true.

2009-10-19, 10:02 p.m.
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