today

tonight i'm struggling with the idea that i'll never be young again. though i treasure my husband and child i feel permanently adult and can't believe that memories of club nights at 21, 2am romps with my fuck buddy and diner nights can feel so far away. in a way i'm the happiest i've ever been. but i'm now 1/3 of the puzzle when i was once every piece. i miss the random, spontaneous trips up to suny purchase to see steve, write, watch everyone get drunk and make out with gay boys. i feel that head-strong, independent version of me slipping away. i'm trying to hold her in my mind the way hands hold sand; carelessly and with certain impossibility. i don't have any of the same friends or the desire to make new ones. i feel aware of the 28 years i've lived and am starting to be able to imagine 28 more. nothing feels abstract anymore.

what scares me is that i realized recently that i can't remember the first 5 years of my life. i also can't remember much about the next 10 after that. so soon everything i'm missing will stop mattering and the memories won't even survive.

i am drunk and alone in my basement while my husband and son sleep upstairs. i feel lonesome and depressed.

2009-06-19, 10:48 p.m.
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