i became a mother on aug 28th last year, the day of language (ironically). since then my days have blurred into one another while simultaneously standing out amongst themselves having distinct, beautiful, separate moments. my child and son-jeremy- has consumed me in a way i never knew possible. i have always been obsessed with love and the ability to love and was eager to know how to love someone i created. but knowing him is like finding another vein in your heart that didn't before exist. or rather, recognizing its always present existence but realizing suddenly that it is whats kept you going all this time. he's here. he's blonde and blue eyed- an antithetical version of me.
i know, and have always known, that i am not such a good wife, daughter or friends. for none of the obvious reasons either. i remember birthdays and say i-love-yous and all of that. but i dont stand up to my titles in a way that is consistent, or worse, dependable. i am a woman unafraid of offending people and known to flippantly ramble the truth at the expense of my listeners. but i am a brilliant mother. i am selfless here. i know how to protect him. i am consistent, dependable and glued together. i am my favorite version of myself in this love affair that seems to have been waiting for me all these years; as i searched through men and bars and pills to find my place. it all actually makes me love my husband more for he's the half of this whole. it makes me want to write more and think smarter and learn about everything else i never studied before my son, my jeremy, catches up to me.
today i took him in my arms, dipped him so his head was upside down and kissed his neck the way hands tickle. he laughed and squirmed while his stomach shook. i lifted him back up and hugged him, desperately. "god, i love you" i said- the words have zero power against the strength of what i felt. which was really more than love. it felt like purpose. feeling, for once, that everything i've done until now was all in direct porportion with how i got here...to this moment of my son's laughter. i breathed in deep.
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