my husband has been working 16 hours a day, 6 days a week. it's a temporary situation (as he's doing work for a family member 6 of those hours a day, and will do so for 3 weeks in total) but one that has already reinvented my time.

i am used to be a wife, a compromiser, part of a twosome. without realizing it, most of my time is usually consumed by thoughts of my husband, making plans with him and making sure to call if i'll be late to arrive to them. i have to admit that up until this past week i had forgot how to schedule my life without his existence being relevant.

in any event, since he started this 5am-9pm shift i feel reborn. i am coming home to an empty house and an empty space of time to do whatever i'd like with. i have been writing incessantly, giving birth to ideas and planning how i will live out my dreams. i don't necessarily think that this is an indication of my inability to be independent (as i am accused of being too much of this as it is, by my husband and friends alike) but i do think it showcases how frequently i put my dreams on the back burner. i am constantly terrified that i am not good enough to pursue my dreams and don't even try to usually.

i'm starting to realize that i am better than i ever thought i could be. i'm seeing myself as strong, resilient. i'm chipping off the theories all my exboyfriend's gave me that i am weak or insecure or regularly vulnerable. i believe now that they were wrong and i suddenly hate them all collectively for making me spend years figuring this out.

2006-10-27, 10:06 p.m.
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