10 persons in One Laura; Part 2- I am insecure

last night at our friends' wedding, james and i were seated with a group of the bride's friends whom we had never met. they were a mixture of beautiful and slutty girls with one very tomboyish and simple girl. when we sat down and started talking with everyone, i realized that the tomboy and my husband had a lot in common. they both adored the mets. they both loved the jets. they both loved talking to one another about these stupid sports teams. i felt immediately threatened by this girl, which is unlike me. but, she knew things and was sharing things with him that i had no idea about; statistics, game highlights, players' names. by the time it was mid-way through the night i got up the courage to accuse my husband of flirting with her. he immediately thought i was ridiculous for suggesting this and told me that he was just making conversation with a fellow sports fan. i knew this was true (as he talked to her the way he talked to his guy friends) but i let him go on and on with his "laura, i love YOU and only you"'s and smiled when he spent the rest of the night avoiding her.

i am not usually a jealous person and i have to assume my strong reaction to her was mostly primitive. i heard once that women in ancient times were overly protective of their mates for fear that their sperm would fertilize another woman's eggs. when i presented this theory to my husband he told me that i didn't have to worry about him or his sperm going anywhere. but everything that's going on with me lately feels very biological- from my immediate need to procreate to my jealousy of a girl who prefers sports to shopping.

all i know is i've never wanted anything more in my life than to be a mother and that's what scares me. even when i was planning to move to europe after college and start a new life as an opera singer, i never felt as drawn to that life as i do to my impending life as a mother. because of the strength of my desire i suddenly feel uncertain about almost everything: will i be a good mom? did i pick a husband strong enough to deal with parenthood AND my mood swings? will there be complications to my pregnancy this time? will my sex life every be the same again? will i know the right thing to say when my child needs my advice? will my child be healthy? will i ever know enough to raise a child who will learn to love him/herself without complexities?

my husband frequently says "i can't understand why you get insecure- you're the most beautiful and smartest woman i have ever met" but my insecurity doesn't come when i am doubting who i already am. it comes when i am doubting who i can be.

2006-10-15, 4:15 p.m.
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