two years ago (almost) i ended an eleven year best friendship with someone whose skin still remains sewn into mine.
we struggled for three years to fight for our friendship. we tried to talk it, fight it out. in the end, i gave up on her.
it wasn't because of her drug addiction or psychosis (although those would have been the easy reasons) but because she knew me when i hadn't found myself yet; when i was awful.
she was there during the years when i'd get so drunk i'd punch her in the face and not remember it the next day. she was there as i ripped my skin open with razors. she watched me knock over all the treasures in my school psychologists office out of anger. she knew the ugly, uncertain, version of me and insisted i was still that person. no matter how much i grew or learned or changed she didn't see it. i was always, to her, a monster with baggage almost unbearable for her to lift.
i gave up because i couldn't pretend to be angry anymore. i was happy, good things were happening for me. she was best at making me realize how they could all go wrong. how my commitmentphobia would ruin my relationship with james. how my promotion was another step moving me away from pursuing my dreams ("do you ever write anymore? have you been singing? it sickens me to watch you throw your life away like this")
when my baby died i couldn't give her the attention she needed anymore. i told her i didn't want her at my wedding- that i had to be honest about what we had become. she told me she was glad my baby died because i would have made a terrible mother.
she had a history of hurting my feelings but as she saw it, it was the other way around. in the end it wasn't what she said, it was how she made me feel. i felt judged by her. i felt like i was lying when i was telling the truth. i didn't want to be who she thought i was, so i wasn't.
i don't hate her at all and probably never did. sometimes i hate myself for never being able to see things through, see people who have loved me through 'til the end. but without her i am better, i am finally me.
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