that's a quote from sondheim's "sunday in the park with george". i relate to it one 2 different levels. in the first instance i feel it speaks volumes about who i was right out of college. i went through an exhibitionist phase so profound that a friendship i currently tend to was born while i was walking naked out of a friend's pool. i was overweight and trying to find understanding and peace with my body; and surprisingly no matter how much fat i had everyone seemed just as excited and liberated by my nudity. it gave me a sense of center i based my entire life around. i was no longer a "chubby" girl or someone always yanking at her shirt. i felt beautiful and alive. i felt comfortable.
secondly, and more presently, though i am now clothed in the presence of strangers i am learning how to take layers of myself off and expose parts of myself i never learned how to be vulnerable with. i realize now that in the past i felt i had to rescue everyone. i felt my advice and opinions would save them from themselves. i'm not worried about anyone else anymore and i know now how easy it is for someone to get themselves out of something horrible when they are ready. it took the bad things i went through and crawled out of for me to understand that they were meaningful. when i wasn't eating there was nothing anyone could say to make me eat or to make me honest about it. my best friend recently asked me "are you ok? its hard to tell with you because you're such a good liar". it was a very honest and telling thing to say. but aren't we all liars to some extent? the girl who starves herself isn't billboarding her midnight hunger on the freeway. the man who frequents a gay club only to come home to his wife isn't a liar, he isn't ready. i'm finding now that i am ready. to eat and see the pounds because of it. to stay out of other people's business. to feel ok being a house-wifey woman one day and a spoiled barbie doll the other. i've realized that i can not define myself as one person because there is more than one of me. i am still the young girl in need of attention willing to do anything to make people want her. i am cranky, angry and unresolved. i am also a wonderful cook and confidant. i used to hate people who showed versions of themselves dependant upon who they were with. but, thats whats wonderful about the people who make up your life. they remind you to stay true to some part of yourself that may be scary to relive. i am no one's judge. not even my own. the less fear i wear, the more comfortable i am.
design by bluechicken
previous����next
die
live
profile
dland