metamorphosis

my wedding is in a week. my mom asked my future husband to re-do my old bedroom. following tradition (as i seem to be doing a lot of lately) i decided to sleep at home in my old bedroom the night before my wedding. it has nothing to do with virginity and everything to do with feeling like i'll have one last chance to accept my mother's arms as a child. my future husband ripped down the walls which were hearted and pink and written all over because sometimes i know nothing but words. he took it all out; the pink carpet installed when i was 3, the closet doors i locked myself behind. i watched as he literally and metaphorically ripped down my old self as if there were no room left to regress.

when it came down to the finishing touches of the room all that was left was my door. it's backside had a huge butterfly painted on it in marker, glitter and crayon. it was something i had drawn in a fury one night in an effort to enrage my parents and it's boldness carried more significance than anything in the room. i asked my fiance what was happening with the door and he said we had to leave it that way until my mom bought a new door- that the crayon/marker/glitter would be impossible to paint over. its color would always show through. i grabbed a paint brush.
"i'll do it" i said.

i stood there slobbing on thick white coats of paint slowly, as if with each stroke i was cleaning my slate, preparing.

stroke:
i am better when i am myself
stroke:
he left because of him, not me
stroke:
sex is not a game
stroke:
my body is a cafeteria, not a store

the paint dried and he was right. small black pieces of the wings and glitter from the antenni came through. while accepting the transition of change, it refused to forget completely what color it once was.

i may paint over my past but i will not forget it. i am my mistakes, my experiments, my fears. i enter this marriage as my best self because of what i've done to get here. i am amazing silver glitter. i am calm yellow crayon. i 'll probably always be black wings looking for their next flight. i am everything i was then, i'm just a different color now.

2005-10-02, 10:49 p.m.
design by bluechicken

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