i've decided i love jesus christ and i want everyone to know about it. i've decided the devil exists and i've decided to spend the rest of my life letting god guide me towards good and away from evil.

if you are reading this and thinking i am moronic, influential, afraid, or going through a phase then stop reading this.

in 1998, a born and raised catholic, i went to college and finally felt free to release myself from catholicism. i hardly believed in god or the religious teachings of the church and i didn't want to pretend anymore. for six years i studied various religions, read philosophy, and learned all i could about faith all over the world. i found nothing that suited me and i didn't care. i felt if i couldn't see him, couldn't tastetouchfeelhear him then what good was he? and moved on with my life.

about a year ago i started feeling like god was something real and not a fabrication of people's imaginations as i had assumed. i started asking him to show himself to me and he did, in physical ways which i could touch and see.

i don't want to try to explain this or justify it. i no longer care what anyone else thinks about it nor do i care if they believe in god. what i know is i got pregnant twice this year and both of my children died. what i know is that one of those children, unborn and 7 months premature, came out in my underwear and i saw its dead body. what i know is that my cousin who was 24 was run off the road and killed. what i know is that my favorite uncle died the day my wedding invitation reached his house. what i know is that my husband's best friend just had a heart attack and my best friend is in the hospital. and yet today at the beach, i sat in the sand splashing water saying "THANK YOU jesus for my life. thank you for the sky and the sand and the people and all the clouds". what i KNOW is that i am not who i was when there was no god. without god i was on psychiatric medication, i was slitting my wrists daily, i was possessiveobsessivedepressive. i hated myself and everyone else.

now, inspite of everything all the death and the blood and the pain, i can sit an appreciate clouds! i can smile because i feel protected, and i believe that god giveth and god taketh away. i do believe that. jesus has given me the insight to look beyond NOW and see THEN.

i tattooed "i believe" on my wrist months ago to remind myself that i believed in god's strength and i believed that life could be better than it is now. i don't need a reminder anymore.

i am writing this because i have been afraid to tell people my feelings about god. for years i have been the one to condemn god and his existance so i have felt like a hypochrite. the past is no longer significant. i have found a new way to love and that's nothing to be afraid of.

2005-09-05, 1:55 a.m.
design by bluechicken

previous����next