no one ever talks about what a miscarriage is like. we learn that it's the losing of a possibly deformed child that was never meant to be but we don't know about the blood and the screaming. i'm going to tell you because i wish someone had told me.

the blood starts out slowly
a constant leaking which you know
is gravely significant
but everyone,
even your doctor,
keeps telling you is normal.
you spend those slow leaking days
reassuring yourself that this could never happen
that everything is ok.
until immediately it escalates
to where your vagina is pissing out
purple clots
and your screaming from your bathroom
that you're going to lose your baby.
the e.r. will take you immediately
because they know, from experience,
that it's already started to happen..
people come in and out of the curtain
sticking their fingers in you
to see how much blood
appears on their fingers.
they take you down to the radiologist
who does a sonogram but tells you nothing.
you wait hours to find out whats happening
and finally a stoic, insensitive dr
comes in to say
"you won't be having a baby in 7 months, i'm sorry young lady"
the world caves in around you.
you fastforward to that stroller you liked,
the first birthday party you won't have,
how you'd wanted to show this child
their first sonogram picture.
you cry lava tears which spill
and spill
and drown everything.
nothing, including your mothers arms,
makes you want to continue your life.
the dr will come in again
and ask you if you'd like to bleed the baby out
or have a vacuum shoved up your cunt
so your dead fetus can be sucked out.
you pick the vacuum, as everyone does,
because you've bled long enough.
they make you sign papers allowing them
to take your dead baby
and they put you to sleep.
when you wake up you're in pain
so severe,
4 dosages of morphine won't fix you.
you're tired,
you're dizzy
and only talking wearily with the gay
nurse makes you feel better.
they try to keep you but you won't stay
and your in-laws have to carry you to the car.
you go to sleep hoping to wake up
pregnant
and when you don't
you want to die.
you are bombarded by phone calls
which make you relive every moment
of the miscarriage's events.
every everything will remind you of
how much you wanted to be a mother.
it is horrific,
unbearable emotional pain.
it is screaming out "I WANT MY BABY" for all the hospital to hear.
it is the death you never wanted,
the death you tried to avoid,
and a dead body that rests in its peace
in a clear sterile test tube.

2005-06-28, 1:06 a.m.
design by bluechicken

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