last night
i got some information
that sent me through the ceiling tiles.
i screamed at him
i cursed at another him
and hung up on yet another him
and then
i stormed out.
i felt rushed and fast and angry.
i didn't know where i was going
but i knew i had to go.
i drove fast
like i would fall off
and
wound up in a parking lot.
i turned the engine off and lit a cigarette.
i must have smoked twenty before i realized i smoked one.
it was cold and i was alone.
i felt afraid and disasterous
and thought of how i would react if someone
tried to kill me then.
i wouldn't have resisted.
time crawled toward the next minute
and i wondered when i would be
ready to leave.
thoughts boiled inside of me like
overaged liquor waiting to be vomitted.
i hated myself.
i hated my life.
i didn't cry.
if i were a child
i would have been hiding in my closet.
i breathed my yoga breaths
and thought about the process of
comforting ones self.
it is parallel with throwing a 2yr old into water
you know it can't swim in
and hoping it will find a way.


2005-05-19, 7:27 p.m.
design by bluechicken

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