ventilation

i am a severe severe commitmentphobic. read any book about it and i have all the symptoms. the distancing. the fault finding. the sabotaging. i'm the worst. for the longest time i thought myself incapable of a stable, long term relationship so i gave up on the idea of one.

when i met my husband it was very difficult for me to accept the idea that i was with a man whose presence in my life was to add comfort, not chaos. i felt immediately uncomfortable with him and wanted out.

throughout our almost two years together he has helped me to grow in our relationship. he knows a lot about my commitment problems and he's very respectful of them, but also doesn't tolerate the behavior that comes along with being with a commitmentphobic.

sometimes i'll lay down and think for hours about why i am the way i am and why i can't just be happy; why i try to always throw everything good away. i am a horrible person to be in love with and i wouldn't wish it on anyone. i'm manipulative, secretive, defensive, and mean. i don't know how to be kind to a man once i know how much he loves me. i think i silently hate myself with a passion and that is the reason behind everything.

the other night, my husband told me he was thinking of leaving me. that i had become, moreorless, unbareable and that as much as he loved me he wasn't sure if he could continue to be the only person in our relationship trying and fighting for our love. (i.e. him: honey i love you, let's work it out. me: fuck you, if i'm so terrible why don't you just pack your shit and get the fuck out?) i realized he was right. i was going to lose the best and the most stable thing i had ever had and for what? because i was afraid of losing him anyway? because i wasn't sure if i was good or deserving enough? because my father was emotionally unavailable and therefore i feel all men are? it all felt like BULLSHIT. for once! i wanted to take some goddamn responsibility for myself and for what i was doing to this man. i made him promise to let me try, which he of course did.

and for the past few days, which isn't a long time but it's long for me, i have been loving, i have thought of his needs, i have listened to him talk for hours. it feels like it did in the beginning. and i realized that HE never changed. I did. and all this time that i've been feeling suffocated because the infatuation is gone, it's all been my fault. i'm falling in love with him again. meeting him for lunch again. realizing that i am the luckiest girl in the world to have him, which honestly- even in my darkest moments- has been something i've known without a doubt.

i am so grateful that he has stuck by my side and tolerated my difficult behavior. i don't know why i'm allowed to have someone so good, so understanding. i don't think i care anymore about why. all i know is i'm deserving and moving forward i'm going to prove that to him but most importantly, to myself.

2005-02-07, 6:44 p.m.
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