there are two things about myself i can not stand and also can not seem to rid myself of.

the first being my intense ability to bore so immediately that i feel overwhelmed by it. a good book, halfway through, becomes a nightmare to finish. a good relationship, spent in front of the t.v. two consecutive nights, makes me want to flee. a job once loved and looked forward to gets walked out of for no apparant reason.

the second being my abnormal preoccupation with my body. i spent half an hour today videotaping myself at every angle, with clothes, without, in order to "see" myself the way other people do. and i looked fat. obess fat. i see myself as a hugely obess woman, yet the pants that hang in my closet are a 4. that is the only measurement i have that i might be less than obess and i remind myself of it constantly. except when i went shopping last week and a size 4 was too tight. it took my mother 20 minutes to reassure me that clothing is cut differently and so what is i was a 6 in those pants. what bothers me most is when i see myself in the mirror, on camera, in a picture, i look like i should be wearing a size 16. i don't know if that is my mind's own distortion or if i am just one of those very lucky "average" sized girls who can fit into smaller sizes. i was watching "america's next top model" and there was this episode about a girl who they thought her hips were too wide for modeling. this girl, to me, was tiny. itsy bitsy. but i understand the modeling industry. when they announced her hip measurement i was shocked. she was a 39. my hips are a 38. i couldn't imagine that this tiny person whose hips looked so small to me could be an inch larger than me. then i think maybe it is my large chest and broad shoulders which gives me the feeling that i am so larger. i don't care what anyone says, i'm certainly not "tiny". but i'm always searching to find myself outside of myself. saying "is this what i look like? are we about the same size?" i am trying to figure out if what i see is accurate. i'm getting the impression that it's not, and that scares me. how can your mind and all its distortions be so powerful that it could actually alter what is factually there. if i am really a "thin" person as people have said than how can i see someone in the mirror who looks as if she's well over 200 pounds? how is that possible? is the mind really that powerful? the whole process of even caring is exhausting.

2005-01-09, 1:28 p.m.
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