when i was a child i had heard of people running away from home on television and the extent of my knowledge on the subject was that you either a) packed your things in a sachel and tied it to a stick, heading off into the sunset or b) did what my brother did which was to throw some leggos in a backpack and walk to the sidewalk until your parents came and got you.

one day i was playing with my neighbor and i got the idea that i wanted to run away from home. i didn't want her to come, and i didn't even know why i was leaving but i was going. in copy of my brother's actions, i got out a backpack and started loading it with toys. my more serious, and maybe more realistic 5 yr old mind, decided this was ridiculous and i took them all out except for one barbie. i then went to the kitchen and filled 5 tupperware bins with tap water, snapped the lids on and shoved them in my bag. i don't know where i thought i was going where there wouldn't be any water, but it was more logical than a bag full of stackable plastic, come to think of it.

i headed down the block past my neighbor's house, past one or two other houses and panicked when i reached the end of the block. i wasn't old enough to cross the street, and besides the fact that i wasn't allowed to, i didn't even want to. i parked myself at the corner of my block and its crossroad. with nothing else to do i pulled out the barbie and placed her in one of the tupperware containers of water, pretending she was at the spa. i was capable, at that age (and for years following that age) of playing barbies with no real purpose and losing all track of time doing so. hours must have past and eventually the street lights came on. thinking back i wonder how no one hadn't come looking for me. in my neighborhood, or at least on my block, when the street lights came on, that meant you went home. no questions asked. i was kind of bored by my running away and didn't even know what i was trying to prove by doing it. in the moments before i packed up my belongs to go home, i sat on the cement and contemplated my options. i could keep walking around until someone took me in. i could stay out on the sidewalk all night. my contemplations were ridiculous and i knew i wouldn't do either of them. on the walk back home i felt defeated, feeling like a whole day was wasted and no one even noticed. it wasn't until today, until the writing of this story, that i finally realized how running away brought me purpose.

2004-12-02, 8:27 p.m.
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