i think i'm probably the opposite of everyone as far as weight is concerned. most people indulge over the winter/holidays and gain weight and then lose it all for the summer. not me. i'm always at my heaviest march-june and then july-feb i spend dieting. november, maybe because it's my birthday month, seems to be an especially light month for me. i'm at my all time lowest weight right now which i feel proud about. my size 4 pants are hanging loose all over me and my boobs have finally gone down to a 36D (from a 40DDD) so i can wear size 8 on top now. most people say it isn't about the scale, it shouldn't matter about a number. but it matters to me. i can't tell you the exhiliration in seeing yourself down one pound. when i was heavier and loosing tons of weight, i took that for granted. i used to be able to loose 5 pounds in a week, sometimes more. now it may take me up to 3 weeks just to lose one pound. my weight is constantly fluctuating- my body doesn't want to be thin. in march of last year i had gained a good deal of weight back and now i've lost all that plus another 10 pounds. sometimes i wonder when it will be enough or what i'm even striving for; if it's a pant size or a number in pounds. it is those things, but really, it's to see myself in a picture and say "wow, i'm a thin person now". i've never done that yet. i don't really care about what people think about me because i know everyone has different opinions of size and beauty and that will always be the case. there are people who tell me i am skinny, who say i am thin, who say i'm "average", there are people who call me "big boned", people who tell me "you could still lose another 5-10 lbs". regardless, i'm looking to impress myself. dr's and even my mother have said "with that mentality, you'll never be able to impress yourself. nothing will ever be good enough". but that's not true. i'll know when it's enough. i'll know when i'm there.

2004-11-10, 6:17 p.m.
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