i guess we can't ever rid ourselves of the past entirely. i'm a huge fan of slam dunking people out of my life. then 2 months or 2 years down the line they creep out of my subconscious and want to be remembered. i just spent an hour googling all my old friends from college. friends i either stopped calling, told i hated, threw things at and stormed away from or simply decided were too toxic and wouldn't allow their energy near my energy any longer (i'm highly protective of my energy). as i went through the google search, which believe me- except for 2 or 3 cases- was utterly unsuccessful, i realized that i have a lot of unresolved issues with these people. but the problems with unresolved issues is that even if you fix them, once they are fixed, where do you go? both of you have been living your own lives for years and the catching up alone can cause enough awkwardness to kill the re-connection. plus though you are, for some reason, aching to rekindle this lost friendship, once you have it back and all is forgiven it's as though you don't know what else you want from this person (trust me, i speak from experience). in a best case scenerio you have a pleasant get together where you talk about your lives to one another and make a mutual decision to continue on separate pathes. in a worst case scenerio, one person wants to pursue the friendship and continue where it was left off where the other is still feeling resentful and this is bad (again i speak from experience). i don't know why i can't even just let bygones be fucking bygones. i guess it's true what they say about people getting into your heart and leaving footprints and all that. we should all be allotted the choice of deleting experiences from our memory; as so to never have to go back into our mind's files and review the past- contemplating if we've made a mistake.

2004-10-27, 7:04 p.m.
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