we each have a day

that becomes for us

the day we had to triumph over.

the day where something happened

that raped us of our emotional stability

and replaced it with a world of

unsafety.

every day thereafter is a battlefield.

mine was in conneticut.

i was

driving with

my boyfriend of 2 1/2

years and we were going for ice cream.

i asked him if he loved me

thinking

with no hesitation about the answer.

when he refused to answer

i told him to pull the car into the mobil gas station on the side of the road.

after draining silence

and what seemed on his part

dramatic soul searching

he turned to me and explained that

though he cared deeply for me

i was not someone he had or could ever

fall in love with.

it was as if in the moment the words

hit the air

a part of me died.

i threw open the car door

and walked in to the mobil mini mart.

i felt vengeful, hysterical and mostly

angry for allowing myself to love him as much as i did and for believing he loved me back.

the past 2 1/2 years felt wasted.

i bought a package of bic razors and decided

i was going to kill myself in that

shit hole mobil gas station bathroom.

when i walked over to the door

it was occupied.

i hesitated.

i decided i didn't want to die amongst the smell of someone else's shit

and i didn't want to die just because someone else didn't love me.

i threw the razors on the floor.

i walked back to the car and got in.

when my boyfriend asked me where i had been i told him "trying to kill myself"

he knew i wasn't kidding and with rage

he grabbed the steering wheel and

screamed "god laura, you are such a fuckin burden"

his words, and everything about him, were so brutually

honest and permanent.

i couldn't even hate him for it.

he drove me home,

stayed with me for an hour

and then left.

2004-09-16, 4:03 p.m.
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