"i don't want to be

a woman who give up on

everything" i said

my best friend,

who i told this to,

thinks this is the weirdest

thing about me because

i am so confrontational.

"why do you even bother telling people

what they did wrong, if you're just

going to kick them out of your life?"

she asked

it's really just because i don't want

things to ever end.

i would rather things resolve than

dissolve.

but it hardly ever works that way

and i'm so guarded and desperate for

control that i'd rather sacrifice a

relationship than feel i'm losing out.

"it's not that i even hate people's flaws or mistakes, i like them" i said.

"i know"

"so why do i do this?" i asked

"because you never bothered to confront yourself. you're quick to bring everything

to everyone else's attention but

you've never identified why you are so

shut off and why being vulnerable or

scared puts you in such a state of

panic. so it's easier for you

to just boot people out of your life

this way you can just jump from

relationship to relationship

and never have to look at the

fears of real love- friendship wise

or romantically."

sometimes you need to keep people

in your life a long time just for this

reason,

so they can tell you who you are,

when you have no idea.

2004-07-22, 9:10 p.m.
design by bluechicken

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