i never thought i would know
that feeling.
initially it felt so unfamiliar
that i had to consult a gay couple
about it and have them walk me
through the stages of it
so i would be prepared.
now i'm here, have been here,
and it's fine.
"fine"
being the operative word.
everything is mellow.
nothing is tornadic.
nothing gets me nauseas.
arguments measure out to about
4 minutes and 36 seconds
and even if voices get raised
we can both keep our eyes on the
television screen
because there is no threat of anyone walking out.
tricks once used to keep hurts inside
no longer work,
we both have memorized each other
and regularly pry off each other's
vulnerabilities like darkened crust;
not the be left out, but eaten up
with all the rest.
we now can speak non-verbally-
in a test to see if this was actually
possible we practiced it and were able to go on for a solid half hour
with out ever being incorrect about
the other's need or thought.
in morning routines we have mapped out
the others patterns of hair-fixing
and clothes-throwing in such exactness
that feet no longer fumble
and arms touch only when intended.
i used to be the girl who thought
a life like this was mundane
and without screaming fights that left
you wondering where you stood
would be unexciting and most importantly
not enough.
what i've found though,
and what the gay couple had said would happen,
is that the insandouts of every day
being predictable
lets you enjoy the very subtle things
about the other person
you realize you never saw.
him dancing to an 80s song in the bathroom.
his eyes starring at a little boy and then telling you how desperately he wants a son.
him rushing over to help his mother when her washer was leaking.
i am now grateful for my lack of infatuation and for the ceasing of phenylethalamine sparking in my brain.
without it, i am able to study the humanity of the person i am actually in love with. for once i feel steady and committed. i feel appreciative for what i have and no need to create problems just to fulfill the voids in my own life.
i'm getting so much stronger every day. i'm growing up, it seems.
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