i hate that the friends and boyfriends i've chosen before have all made me believe that i'm someone worth leaving. i hate how their fear of the screaming intensity at which i live my life has turned me hostile.

i am angry that because of past relationships i have built heavy brick walls around who i am and that when i finally decide to take the bricks down and become vulnerable it only takes one familiar negative phrase to get me building again.

i am a closed up woman. it's horrible that i live my life in a state of constant fleeing. every behavior anyone displays that might even slightly resemble an instance in my past where i was abandoned leaves me plotting how to kick that person out of my life, how to prove to myself that this time i'll get out first.

i don't really know how to let people make mistakes sometimes. i see every flaw pointed out to me as a sign that i'm not good enough, that someone is almost out the door. i don't know the meaning of words spoken out of anger that aren't really meant. i mean everything i say and expect the same of everyone.

for years now i have purposely spent hours of my time shut off from real life, alone, in order to ensure that i'm prepared for solitude. i've turned myself into a person who doesn't want to need people and is always ready to leave the ones she does.

i hate that i don't ever see an end to this heightened self-protection. i hate that i see myself running forever.

2004-06-19, 10:43 p.m.
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