in a conversation with my father today he pointed out something about me that's been abundantly clear to me within the past few weeks,

"lately, you're the strongest version of you i've ever seen"

he said.

whatever transformation has occurred [be it utter futility with my job, disappointment in myself on nights spent with the tv instead of the pen, or need to get rid of that negative inner voice for good] i am new.

i am eagerly independent and feel hardly any desire to be swallowed or hung onto. i am being realistic with myself about who is worth a damn, and who never was, and doing something about who is. i'm feeling the need to spread my word and my learnings. in addition to my self-appreciate i've sensed, seen and hearded negativity about me and my efforts. it amps me. i am falling off the approval train harder and faster than i knew you could. i am looking in the mirror and seeing a chubby stomach and loose thighs and smiling. i am here. this is what i am.

i have changed my food, i have changed my friendships, i have stopped talking just to make sound. i am losing concept of jealousy, lust, and attention-seeking. i am becoming comfortable with needing improvement.

it's important to know i can feel these ways. to know that my mouth can stay shut, my clothes can stay on and i can still start tornados. this is only the beginning of everything good.

2004-06-09, 11:37 p.m.
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