my second oldest brother is sort of famous and i never really bring it up because we've never been close. everyone thinks i'm lying when i actually tell them who he is because they can't believe i haven't ever told them about it. he's almost 20 years older than me, which you would think is the reason why we're not close- but our sister, who is 2 years younger than him, and i hang out weekly. in a pseudo strike or tantrum of my own making, i hadn't seen him in almost 3 years. the last time we had gotten together he looked as though he didn't know what to do with me and i him. as my engagement progresses and the questions of when the wedding will be go on, i realized that my fear of a wedding had a lot to do with him. i knew i wouldn't want him at my wedding if he didn't even know my partner, and that having a full blown wedding without my brother there would be bizarre- even too bizarre for me. so even though fiance and i decided on a wedding with just the two of us, i wanted my brother to meet him- to see me in love.

in the middle of the day last weekend i called my brother out of nowhere and told him i was coming over. i brought j and we were greeted with hugs and congratulations. my brother was studying me, and i him, but it was comfortable- like we were willing to forget that we haven't spoken in years. they asked questions about me, about j, about the wedding- or lack there of, and i felt good. at one point my brother said "you have your own apartment, your the boss at your job and you're getting married- god when did you grow up?" i didn't answer because we both knew that it had been in the cave of time we'd spent apart. when i left he hugged me, really tightly and said that i looked good. it was that deep, sincere "i really mean this" voice, so i sighed. i felt relief that i didn't have to be quiet anymore, even if i had made it that way. but mostly, i felt relieved that if i should decide to don that stinking white dress, he could be there and it would be ok.

2004-02-04, 10:20 p.m.
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