my boyfriend has retreated to a southern state for a few days and before he left he offered a 2 day trip to the casino "mohegan sun". upon arriving home from work, i packed up my pink hearted duffel and prepared for some time in a northern state.� when j came to pick me up he had roses for me and a car already heated up.� we rushed to the ferry, which turned up being over an hour away, and missed it by 6 or 8 minutes.� our only recourse was to spend the night in town, so we searched the main roads for an inn.� we found a weird bed and breakfast on the side of the road called "the blue dolphin" which was cozy and appropriate from the front, but white trashy and tented in the back.� after getting our key we entered our room, unpacked and headed for the tented bar out back.� when we walked in there were 5 other people inside: a bawdy gay man, a waitress from ireland, a fat drunk couple and a young cook trying to grow a full beard.� in usual habit i ordered a hot chocolate and j got his heineken.� with nothing else to do we engaged in conversation with the bawdy gay man who intially complained that he wasn't ever able to get off to a vacation and then rambled on for the remainder 0f the night about 6 or 8 of his vacations this past year. the irish waitress flirted at my boyfriend and seemingly would have jumped over the bar and fucked him right there. the drunk couple made fun of my choice of drink, saying that since i was stuck at a bar the least i should do was get drunk. when i curtly alerted him to my inability to socially drink, he bought me a "round" of hot chocolate which was strange and surprisingly uncomfortable. as the night droaned on and the young cook seemed eager to jump over the bar into my pants, another woman walked in. she was mid thirties and had the frizziest hair i'd ever seen. she was holding a cigar in her mouth and walking around slobbering kisses on everyone's face. it was then that i realized this would-be-distaster-at-the-box-office movie i was in was every casual wednesday night for these people. the new arrival began deep throating the cigar and asking if anyone wanted to fuck her. around then, j and i headed back to our bed where i put on the new satin nightgown he had bought me. in the morning we got cupcakes at a local gas station and packed onto the ferry. it was wobbly as we stood out on the deck smoking cigarettes; i spent the rest of the ride nauseas. we arrived at the casino prepared to gamble $600 of j's dollars and i began ushering dollar pieces into slots fruitlessly. throughout the day i gambled all my initial gambling money and all that i had won. j and i aren't frugal, even in the least, and wound up blowing way over a grand. on the trip home i snuggled with him in the noisey seats of the ferry. i stroked his head and kissed it. i thanked him for the trip and the gifts and the fun. we held close against the noise of the boats bottom fighting the sea knowing we'd be spending five days apart. when he left in the morning i kissed him and told him to be careful not to die. i'm alone without him now, for almost 100 hours and everything is so completely still. there are bits of him all over my apartment- his smelly socks, the dishes he didn't wash- and i'm glad. alone without him i am still a very capable woman and a person willing to experience new things. but it is when the experience involves him that it takes the shape of a story and can be told as such.

2004-01-24, 7:44 p.m.
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