the truth is: i'm hurting, i'm backwards, i'm uneasy. i'm not sure if i'm meant to be the wife of the man i love or a savior in the fields of africa writing lymrics and answering to peace corps officers. i don't know who i ought to remain friends with and who should go down with yesterday's sinking ship. i don't have full trust in anything. i don't have enough decency to ever make "no really i'm ok" sound honest or if i do i spend the night in my bed, in my self. i don't know what i need from anything. i walked to a cvs with the intent to buy maybelline brownish black mascara, stood in front of its display for maybe an hour, and left empty handed. i'm in this vague circle where old boundaries have faded away and my self respect is pending. i urinated in the bathtub of water i was emerced in tonight because i couldn't think of a logical reason why not to and because it was the first idea that has made me feel accomplished in weeks.

after a few days of retiring it to my jewelry box, i put back on my wedding band today. i married myself on may 8th almost 5 years ago. this was a good idea, one i'm still attached to and for now, it's the only solidity i have to move forward with.

2004-01-20, 8:23 p.m.
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