today a customer of mine, who i suppose hasn't seen me in months, came to my store. i was rushing around but noticed her immediately. i smiled and said hello and she looked at me, stared at me. i figured she was cranky or in a "shopping zone" as some women are, and when they are you have to respect that. so i walked passed her. but just as i passed she turned around and said "laura, right?" she explained that she hadn't even recognized me. that i looked like a new person. yes, i've lost 75 pounds i told her. she wanted to know how. i told her briefly and then kept on with what i was doing.

this little interaction is one i go through at least once daily and sometimes more. in the beginning, as i was losing weight and needed encouragement, it was ok. but now that i am only 10 pounds from my goal weight, it gets harder to care when people notice my transformation. when they ask me how i lost weight i want to say "what does it matter?"

i've gotten a lot of attention since i've lost weight and nearly all of it makes me angry. it's as though people are only open to finding your inner beauty when you're outer beauty is more up to societies standards. and i'm not going to sit here like a martyr and pretend i only lost weight to "be healthy". i wanted to look beautiful. i was sick of wearing size 18's and feeling like the day would come where i wouldn't fit into someone's lawn chair. and my best friend said she doesn't understand how i don't absolute adore being a size 6 and getting extra attention.

the reason is, i don't take anyone seriously if they'll pay attention to me simply because i'm thinner. i kid you not, a guy in my life whose known me for years and never did anything but tell me how ugly i was, saw me not too long ago. he said "what size are you now?" and i said "a six" and he said "oh my god, do you think we could hook up later?" and proceeded to grope me all night long. i didn't make this up.

in high school i was average weight and then after a serious breakup/life crisis i purposely gained 40 pounds. now i've shed that and am 35 pounds lighter than i was in high school. i don't know why i initially set out to lose weight, the only thing i know is why i continued. because those piles of extra pounds were side pockets of self hatred. and i'm not saying that's how it is for everyone- that's how it was for me. i intentionally ate myself to the point of nausea day after day to detract from myself. to hide underneath it. all i'm doing now is not hiding. melting off what was physically a barrier against the world's eyes. i always think up funny or clever responses i could say to people to shut them up when they ask about it. the most appropriate and heart felt thing i could say and mean would be: "i just stopped being afraid"

2003-06-26, 12:19 a.m.
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