i am afraid of anything outside of myself that causes threat to or puts in jeopardy my new way of living which is: me first, you next. which is: i'm a warrior, you are whatever. this system has securely strengthened and douched me for almost 2 years now. and it's all slowly going to hell.

i very much know that i could never be married to someone who expected me to be with them and only them forever. i can only forsee a marriage working if my partner allowed me both to engage in sexual activity with other people while with him/her and on my own (of course the same would go for them). not open cheating, but more an understanding of one another's primal instincts and curiousities.

i am with someone who wants me all to himself. sometimes it angers me and makes me want to run off and cheat on him. but in the stability of only sleeping with one person, i am finding something i never thought i would- more of myself. because my mind is no longer cluttered with ideas of whom to fuck next, i am thinking more about myself. i have, of course, discussed with him the idea of threesomes etc and he doesn't seem too interested (nor opposed). it makes me feel like he genuinely wants ME and that makes me hate him sometimes. i feel like he's a liar for denying himself the possibility of other women. but maybe he's a genius. maybe he's already found what i've certainly never found which is this: when someone really cares about who you are and wants to be with you alone, you are safe to venture into any world, not just the delicious temptations sex provide. it's unveiling and a little bit threatening but undeniably worth trying.

2003-01-14, 12:51 a.m.
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