when you [and i know you will] ask me to love you, i will tell you no. and you will think it's because i don't or because i never could. you would be terribly wrong. it's because everything i do in love, i somehow do wrong. and i don't want that with you. i want to go to africa and build toilets for children. i want to read every one of joseph campbell's books. and i want to be good enough for a life with you.

maybe by then you'll be gone.

probably.

it's ok.

i somehow feel i deserve to watch you marry someone else and let her love you the way i know i couldn't. or rather, at this stage, wouldn't let myself. if you had me first, you would have gotten a mind free to anything. now i am my only god. i really don't know how to be someone to anyone anymore and that's the only way i'm safe.

i can't ask you to put your whole life on pause because of how this all feels right now and how unsettled i am. yet, if my eyes someway pray you wait [and hurt as you do] it is my eyes doing the asking.

2002-10-16, 11:04 p.m.
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