sometimes i move so fast in the routine of my life and forget to stop and realize how lucky i am for everything i have and for everything i've given myself through recovery and intensified self-centered awakenings. at this point in my life i would have to meet someone incredible and amazingly enlightened to even bother with falling in love again. it's not so much that i don't have time for love, but rather i haven't time for the intellectual disorientation that comes with falling in love. some days i stop and think about japan, me, and the heart tattoo on my thigh that is my permanent rememberance of a week in time together. i know so many things and still have such trouble applying them to my living and being. i'm going to stop eating meat. i can't bare the thought of eating something that was killed. it hurts me emotionally and physically. it makes me want to ask everyone to stop eating meat and read books instead. maybe everything i'm trying to learn and apply is all a novelistic way of distracting myself from the boredom that is my life. and maybe i'm a buddha and maybe you're writing this book about me. maybe the eefff final stage of recovery is exclusively for those fearing a mundane reality. maybe i'll travel into the desert to learn levitation. maybe i'm THAT girl. maybe i'm just someone looking for anything better than this.

2002-05-16, 11:01 p.m.
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