reason #5: i love you like i love boys. i love you like the song in my ears. i love you the way words make me feel. i want to yell at you as loud as my vocal chords will allow "I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I/LOVE/YOU". only, i don't think i need to say the words to you. yes! i love you like this. i don't want to and i don't have to but it belongs there and i can FEEL that. i want to be able to tell you that i need you. but i'm fucking fucked up and i can't so i won't. you tell me how you love me all the time. and when you do, i tell you i hate you. i feel that now you've experienced the death of your mother that i am ready to love you. not because i didn't before, but because i always did. and never could let myself feel it until i realized death could take YOU away from me and now i don't want one more day to begin without you next to me, inside of me and my mind. and i think about how much i would be risking if you would ever hear me say any of this. how i would finally be telling you how absolutely mad i am for you. how seeing you get other people tissues at your mother's wake was beautiful and made me want to wrap you up in blankets and carry you to the desert. how your mouth and the temperature of your skin makes me short of breathe and dizzy like a bat to the head. and how when i think about the curves of your face i want to scream until i bleed.

2002-03-30, 12:24 a.m.
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