this is my favorite poem by anne sexton...which says a lot because i am impressed by and devoted to each and every word she's ever spoken or written. it speaks to me in volumes and i feel as though she wrote it while reading my mind and viewing a videotape of my life. i hope that if you have never read her work this poem will inspire you to go out and buy every book she's ever published. THE ADDICT: Sleepmonger, deathmonger, with capsules in my palms each night, eight at a time from sweet pharmaceutical bottles I make arrangements for a pint-sized journey. I am the queen of this condition. I'm an expert on making the trip and now they say I'm an addict. Now they ask why. Why! Don't they know that I promised to die! I'm keeping in practice. I'm merely staying in shape. The pills are a mother, but better, every color and as good as a sour ball. I'm on a diet from death. Yes, I admit it has gotten to be a bit of a habit- blows eight at a time, socked in the eye, hauled away by the pink, the orange, the green and white goodnights. I'm becoming something of a chemical mixture. That's it! My supply of tablets has got to last for years and years. I like them more than I like me. Stubborn as hell, they won't let go. It's a kind of marriage. It's a kind of war where I plant bombs inside of myself. Yes I try to kill myself in small amounts, an innocuous occupation. Actually, I'm hung up on it. But remember I don't make too much noise. And frankly no one has to lug me out and I don't stand there in my winding sheet. I'm a little buttercup in my yellow nightie eating my eight loaves in a row and in a certain order as in the laying of hands or the black sacrament. It's a ceremony but like any other sport it's full of rules. It's like a musical tennis match where my mouth keeps catching the ball. Then I lie on my altar elevated by the eight chemical kisses. What a lay me down this is with 2 pink, 2 orange, 2 green, 2 white goodnights. Fee-fi-fo-fum-- Now I'm borrowed. Now I'm numb.
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